Part of this midlife reboot is to redefine what selfish means in my life. I think the lesson I learned throughout my life is that there is no place for being selfish. Being selfish is considered a dirty label to have assigned to you. I was taught that we should always put others' needs first above our own; everyone else's comforts and desires are more important to honor than our internal wants, goals and dreams. Whether or not that was the intent of the lessons that were taught to me, I learned to serve others before even considering myself and that being selfless was much preferred to being selfish. Unfortunately, I might have taken the message to the extreme and often unhealthily put others needs above my own. I have many people in my life that want me to be more selfish with my time and needs as they feel I am behaving like a martyr as I always eager to help others above and beyond what they would do for me and I often do it as an expense to my needs and time. I feel it is finally time to critically look at making time and caring for others and myself in more balance.
Where being selfish can be a good thing is hard for me. Since "selfish" was always preached to be a bad word to me, it is difficult to see the good side of selfish. It took me several years to go get my hair done, get a pedicure, get massaged, or do any other activity where I was the sole beneficiary of the activity. Working in the fitness industry where the widget you produce is your time, it is too easy to cheat on yourself and your own worth by not honoring your time. I often find myself having a hard time saying no when my schedule is "full" and will cheat on my free time to accommodate a client that wants a private session. I don't insist that the folks I mentor for pilates teacher training pay me for my time when I coach them. I will often not charge people for last minute cancellations. I know I have these bad habits that foster disrespect towards me and my time in future events. I find myself getting annoyed at people taking advantage of me and my time, but when I look back I know I am really the one that created the monster that is now annoying me by not creating a firm boundary of what I need from them.
I had a realization the other day that I tend to attract narcissists in my life. I have worked for or have worked along side many of them in my many activities over the years. I have a hard time relating to their mindset and decision-making. I think they gravitate to me at the beginning because they see my desire to help others and my reliable work ethic and want to use my skills and abilities to further their objectives. But quickly they figure out that I am not easily manipulated and I can see through their strategy, so they try to make me look bad or often will give up on me and move on. Sometimes it is difficult for me to identify a selfish person versus a narcissist because I see so many similarities between the two, but in either case, I tend to gravitate towards the selfless route to distance myself from being labeled as selfish or narcissistic. Regardless, when I re-evaluate my own habits and routines, I want to try to find healthy ways to honor my own needs and desires without viewing them as being too selfish. But, I also don't want to be vulnerable and open for others to take advantage of me.
In ways, being selfless isn't a bad way to conduct oneself. I am courteous by holding open doors for others and helping people that struggle with movement get to the places they need to go safely by walking with them across the street and holding their hand as they step off the curb. I wave at people to go before me in intersections where we arrive at the same time. I move over to the far edge of a lane so that cars have room to pull into the right turn lane while I sit at a stop sign. I abide by the Girl Scout Code of leaving things in a better state than we find them. For example, I am always wiping counters in public bathrooms to dry the water splashes, and am often looked at with puzzled expressions of the people around me that wonder why I do that. I just think that taking a few extra seconds to improve this area will be a positive experience for the next person and they will appreciate putting their hand down on the counter and it won't be sopping wet. Also, people can depend on me for a helping hand, volunteering time, making food for an event, and holding hands in time of sorrow or stress. Over the years, I have needed these support gestures to help me navigate some tough events in my life and was grateful to the friends and family who have stepped in to do these things for me. So, part of me continues to pay it forward out of wanting to help (and out of guilt....we will cover the guilt part later) for the folks who help me but also because I want to support them too.
I didn't choose a life of service to others such as becoming a nun, but I did want to help others as a part of my career to bring meaning and joy to my work. I remember the day I was laid off from the pharma plant and was emotionally trying to find my way forward with my career. After listening to my "woe is me" complaining for a few hours, my hubby pointedly asked me "if I could create the perfect career, what would it be?" I said "I want to travel, eat, and help others. I don't think that exists in one job." After working so many jobs that I didn't really love or weren't passionate about, I always wanted a career that meant something to me so I could be proud of what I did for a living. He suggested, "what if you did all three things, but separately and part time?" All I could think was "how brilliant!" I was trying too hard to find one career that met my criteria tied together into one little neat package, rather than just pursuing all the different areas individually in ways that can easily be found and then I could dedicate part of my time and attention to each as I see fit. I am so lucky he sees things wholistically and can look at a situation critically to find solutions. His insight really helped shape this next phase of life becoming a pilates instructor, travel advisor and using my chef skills to help others transfer to a gluten free diet.
However, taking selfless to the extreme can be detrimental. Since being selfish was always discouraged in my life, I have a hard time relating to and understanding people who I view as just being selfish. And, just how selfless can I be without ignoring myself, but then also be selfish with my needs but not view my selfish behavior as negative. As I analyze situations and people, I feel selfishness exists on a spectrum of healthy to detrimental behaviors. Unfortunately this "grey area" makes being selfish confusing as the degree of selfishness depends on the situation. Am I being selfish by not wanting to attend an event or go out after a long day or am I exercising self care by not just agreeing when they don't have time or emotional investment in the event? I am starting to differentiate between some of these acts as maliciously selfish while some are performing self care. Thank goodness for therapy! I am learning to recognize self care as a positive, especially since I ignored my own self care needs for so long. I realize now that sometimes taking care of oneself can be one of the best selfish acts I can perform so I can help others more. Its like the oxygen mask analogy: "put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others."
Are people more selfish these days than in the past? I see it more and more often. I have thought maybe current events are contributing to society shifting to being more selfish than before. Since I am always critically looking at people, I am constantly wondering what motivates people's behaviors.
Let's take driving, for example. Since the early pandemic times of 2020, I have noticed an increase of selfish behaviors of drivers in our little town. My theory about the change in driving habits around the time of the pandemic is two-fold: 1) Increase dependence and use of the smartphone distracts us while driving for navigation purposes, texting, or browsing social media/internet and 2) The pandemic encouraged us to be selfish to protect ourselves from contracting COVID which carried over into selfish driving. I also believe there also might be a little bit of a third reason to why driving has become more selfish which is the lack of driving because of working from home and sheltering in place have contributed to lack of practice and enhancing bad driving habits. What I have noticed is that stop signs have become optional and yield signs have absolutely no meaning anymore. Driving 5-10 miles per hour below the speed limit in the "fast lane" is common with refusal to move out of the way. But, lately, my biggest driving pet peeve is people stopped at a traffic light in the left turn lane leaving 1-2 car lengths of space between them and the car in front of them. By doing this, especially if several cars are doing this, it backs the traffic up into the left lane of moving traffic making it difficult to proceed past the line of cars to continue traveling straight on that road. As I drive down one of the major thoroughfares in our small town and am angered at the "left turn jerks" who refuse to pull up closer to the car in front of them, causing a backup of cars behind them blocking the lane for those of us to proceed down the road, I am cursing at them for being so selfish to not look at the situation around them and change it so that it doesn't affect others. Honestly, I don't think these people do it maliciously, as I am sure they are thinking about their day to come, what happened that morning up until that point, and what they'll do since they left the house at a different time than originally planned. But, since I cannot verify with them what the reason for their choice of leaving so much space in front of them thus blocking my ability to drive around them so I can get myself to work, my mind goes to the dark side and just assumes it is selfish behavior. It often sends me down a path of looking at all the selfish behaviors all around me and judging people unjustly. I think if people would just take a second and look around them, they might realize that their actions and decisions are affecting others negatively and they would rectify the situation.
Finding a balance between being a help to others and a doormat for people to walk over is tricky to establish, especially after not understanding the lessons taught about how much to dedicate my life to others rather than look after myself. I think the decision to start this move this year was my first selfless/selfish act. I know it was a surprise to my hubby, my friends, my business, and my business partner for me to make this decision to move to Maui since it is a bit earlier than originally planned, but I feel like I communicated the information with plenty of time to process and make adjustments. I feel at ease with this decisions because I had the privilege of living in our little town of Davis for 32 years, where hubby was miserable for at least the last 10 of those years, and it was time for him to have his choice of place to live. I was selfless to look at my hubby's unhappiness as a catalyst to make the change to move to Maui for him and I was selfish to use this as an opportunity to hit the reset button on my own life. I want to let go of old habits and thoughts and move on to new opportunities and possibilities. Making this decision to move is huge growth for me. I am hoping I can take time each day going forward to do things that I enjoy or need instead of building the day around others and I look forward to seeing what this new perspective brings to my life.
I just have a simple plea for everyone going forward. Look around you and take note about what your actions are doing to the folks around you. See if you can adjust your ways to make your actions a bit more selfless and and a little less selfish. And for those of you who are "givers" and aren't always great about being a little selfish with your needs, maybe establish a one-for-one scenario. For every good deed, you need to reward yourself with something too. I am going to try this as well. Let's all work on healthy selfless/selfish behaviors.
